You Have To Break Free...

You’ve tried so hard, for so long. You’ve left, and then returned to try again – several times. You’ve given it your all, over and over again. It seems no matter what you do, it is never enough. You still always seem to fall short of his expectations. He doesn’t like what you say. He doesn’t like what you do. He doesn’t like what you think. He doesn’t like what you feel. You’ve begun to start every day with a feeling of dread, apprehension and fear. Your life is dominated by an overwhelming feeling of sadness and despair. It feels like a bad dream. So what is left for you? You feel like your only choice is to leave, yet again, but this time you have to figure out a way to break free of the hold he has on you, and never return again.

Sound familiar? If so, then you are probably in an emotionally abusive relationship. You may hear him say every day how much he loves you, yet he doesn’t treat you right. All of the signs are there and you KNOW that there is NOTHING you can ever do that will make this relationship work. You are a victim of verbal abuse, which in turn, is having a devastating effect on you, your self-image, and on your ability to cope and function as a normal person in this world.

Emotional abuse is defined as a set or combination of traits or behaviors that are intended to control and dominate another person through fear, guilt, intimidation, humiliation, and manipulation. It is a pattern of behavior that occurs repeatedly over time, gradually getting worse and worse as the abuser establishes his control over you, proceeding in a gradual, subtle way, but with harmful effects. It gradually breaks down your spirit, destroys your self-worth, steals your confidence, and hampers your ability to trust, to love, or to have any faith in yourself or anyone else.

Emotional abuse also causes harm to your physical health. You sleep poorly, don’t have an appetite, and invariably have stress-related conditions like depression, anxiety attacks, chronic fatigue, ulcers, and migraines.


Many of the following behaviors are common for abusers. Any of these behaviors alone or together are abusive:
• Extreme jealousy of other men and women, friends, family, co-workers, and children
• Suspicious – of everything you do when you’re away from him – monitors phone calls, text messages, e-mails – while at the same time keeping his unavailable to you
• Isolating you from family, friends, and anyone who could provide emotional support
• Emotional withholding – refusal to share his feelings – or being unaware or insensitive to your feelings – giving you the silent treatment
• Lack of physical intimacy such as hand-holding or cuddling
• Verbal abuse – yelling, name-calling, insults, shame, sarcasm, threats
• Humiliation – criticizing you in front of others, pointing out your flaws or embarrassing moments to others
• Selfishness – demands that all of your time be devoted to fulfilling his wants and needs – you’re never allowed any time for yourself
• Threats: verbal – “you will be sorry,” and physical – throwing things, breaking things
• Lies – keeping secrets from you, half-truths, rearranging facts to suit him
• Mixed messages – telling you how much he loves you while he continues to treat you badly
• Dependence – tries to convince you that you are nothing without him, no one else will want you – you are unworthy of his love
• Fear – a non-verbal threat that you will suffer the consequences if you do not do things the way he wants
• Raging – screaming, yelling, throwing things, cussing
• Intimidation – using his strength and his power to make you afraid of what he might do
• Sexual dominance – using guilt, shame, physical force in order to force you to have sex with him when and how he demands it, with no regard to your feelings
• Blame – it’s always your fault, he is never responsible for anything wrong in the relationship
• Hiding his bad behavior – doesn’t let the public witness how he mistreats you
• Physical violence – slapping, punching, kicking, grabbing, pinching, pushing, biting, choking, restraining
• Treats you like a possession rather than a partner
• Keeps you from sleep – or wakes you in the middle of the night to point out your shortcomings
• Superiority – his thoughts, his actions, his knowledge, and his love are always superior to yours


The effects of emotional abuse last your entire life. You’ve received the underlying message that life is not safe or stable. Because of a lack of security or consistency, you always feel tense, afraid, and insecure. Over time, this leads to depression and anger. Because of the emotional abuse, you begin to believe that nothing you do is right, and you feel tremendous guilt over everything you do. You forget how to even recognize what is right. You live every day tense, always anticipating the next round of criticism and blame. You never feel safe. You don’t trust anyone, because you have been conditioned to believe that when you trust someone, they invariably hurt you. You believe that you really are unworthy. Everyone is kept at arms-length, because without realizing it, you think that the only way to feel safe and secure is by living a life alone, away from other people. Your life is filled with an all-consuming sadness because your heart is breaking.

You reach a point in your life where you HAVE to do something. You HAVE to see the truth about your situation, and about yourself. You HAVE to believe that you are a beautiful, loving, good person who is worthy of receiving love, real love from another person. A love that builds you up, instead of tearing you down. A love that allows you to be the imperfect human that you are without consequences. A love that believes in you and all that you are capable of. A true love – an UNCONDITIONAL love.

The real truth about you is that you are an amazing, beautiful person. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. Your life has value. Your feelings matter. You deserve to be accepted. You deserve to be loved by a real man that will support you, protect you, and will never hurt you physically or leave you. And one day, some day, you WILL find that love that you deserve.


So please, start to believe the truth about yourself, and let that truth empower you to break free, so that you can begin to experience the life that you deserve…

A Time

for everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.

a time for quiet strength to be born, and a time for insecurity and  self doubt to die.

a time to plant courage, and a time to harvest peace.

a time to kill self-hatred, and a time to heal from fear of abandonment.

a time to tear down walls that protect me, and a time to build up hearts that love me.

a time to cry about how hard its been, and a time to laugh about how hard its been.

a time to grieve over the loss-of-my-back-as-i-once-knew-it, and a time to dance because i still can.

a time to scatter people who don't give a rip about me, and a time to gather people who do.

a time to embrace my voice, and a time to turn away from worrying about what other people think.

a time to search for balance, and a time to quit searching for the finish line.

a time to keep whats important, and a time to throw away all the rest.

a time to tear apart right doctrine, and a time to mend what i deeply believe.

a time to be quiet about what isn't, and a time to speak about what is.

a time to love slow steady transformation in myself others, and a time to hate impatience.
\
a time for war against resistance, and a time for peace in the chaos.

amen.

Finding Your Inner Strength

One day as I lay in bed, I watched as the wind blew with such velocity. The trees were being tossed around like they were rag dolls and it reminded me of our own inner strength. As a tree is blown around, it doesn't think about what might happen to it. It doesn't wonder or worry if it will survive. In the midst of chaos, it stands with its roots planted firmly in the ground, trusting and knowing that "this too shall pass."

As a survivor of domestic violence, it reminded me of the time I had made a conscious decision to leave and never look back. I, too, had felt the powers of the wind. My tree was blowing and I felt it would snap in two in a moment.

Deep within each one of us, there is a core. This core is our balance, it's our center, one could even say it's our own "trunk," our pillar of strength. However, somewhere along the line we often  lost sight of our own inner strength and we find ourselves feeling weak, dis-empowered and possibly hopeless.

One of the ways in which an abuser controls us is by making us believe that we are powerless, that we have lost our inner strength and that we cannot live without them. Usually it starts with verbal abuse or mental abuse as we become continually bombarded with statements that we are lazy, worthless, selfish, among others. Over time, we begin to believe it and then we own it. From there, day by day, our inner strength fades, we become hopeless, our branches may break and we lose ourselves in the storm.

Your inner strength lives deep within you. It is always there, even if you feel you've lost it somewhere. Finding your inner strength is finding yourself. You reach deep down within you and plant your roots solidly, deep within the earth. Feel yourself connecting, feel yourself gaining your footing. This is where it begins, as you gain more confidence you awaken your inner strength. The more awakened you become the stronger your roots become.


Tami MacDowell
"Be your own awakener to the beauty and power that are alive in you right now."
John-Roger

Surrendering To Change

Change can be good -   we get new jobs, new marriages, new looks, new homes. Our children grow up, they have children of their own.  Our children grow into people that maybe we don't like so much, yet we still love them.  Sometimes the outcome is good, but sometimes it is bad.  Sometimes we have to pretend that we are embracing this change, yet inside we already see the inevitable outcome, the sadness or loss that we know will come.  We want that change, yet we are afraid of it.  We need that change the same way we need to know that we are safe in this world.  We may hate our circumstances, but are often afraid to change them. 

It doesn't really matter whether or not we like change, whether we embrace it or run in fear.  Change is going to happen all the time, whether we choose to participate or not.   We're going to have seemingly unimportant change, and vast, overwhelming change.  Even when we have a choice to change, and we choose not to, change is going to happen anyway.  What choice do we really have?  We can either walk right towards that change, or we can do nothing, and let change happen on it's own, while we just sit there in our "safe" little miserable world.  It's going to happen either way.

We can struggle and fight against change, or we can surrender to it, scary as it may seem.  Surrender may feel to some people like giving up control.  Surrender is defined as:  to give (oneself) over to something (as an influence).  It means to wisely accomodate ourselves to what is beyond our control.  Things are going to happen to us that are beyond our control:  divorce, aging, sickness, dying - it's what life is about.

We have to learn to live in the moment, and understand that life is nothing but transition.  It's ok to be afraid of it.  It's ok to gripe about it a little.  As long as that paves the way for acceptance and acknowledgement  that change is sometimes good, sometimes not, but it is always happening.

Musings...

This poem was written for me a couple of years ago
by someone who, at one time, was very special to me...

Beyond the Blue...

Time has not faded

the azure of your eyes.

They are wiser...sadder,

but still they hold me.

Without a word, they speak

to the deepest reaches of my soul.

To me, they are as beautiful

as I remember.

I long for the day

that I can see you again.

Your sweet smile, your warm embrace,

your soulful sapphire eyes.

Until then I'll embrace this yearning,

happy just to hear your voice.

Knowing that, one day, I can

look into those eyes again and see -

Beyond the Blue…

BK August 2009

Had a scare driving home from work a couple nights ago around midnight. Some idiot thought he was being cute I guess, and was driving side-by-side next to me, refusing to let me pull ahead or drop back, and he was staring and gunning his engine. It felt like he was going to try to force me off the road or something. I managed to turn off the road towards a convenience store, but it left me shaken. But no worries - because now I'm PACKING! Got me a .38 tucked under my seat for the next fool who tries to mess with me!

Note to Self

Staying True To My Path

On this day, God wants you to know:

... that decision is only wishful thinking until you take that first irreversible step. You can tell yourself that you have already decided, that nothing now can stop you - but if that step backwards is so much safer than that step forwards, what will hold you true to your path when the going gets tough? Sometimes, the right thing to do, is to take that first irreversible step, the one after which you cannot go back.  And now, for you, is one of those times.

Wow - this speaks to me in SO many ways.   It comes at a time of great decision and transition in my life.  I've climbed that mountain.  I'm sitting on the peak looking at the downhill side.  I can actually see the goal I've set, way down there in that valley.  It would be so easy to just throw myself forward and let my momentum carry me.  But there will be unavoidable hazards along the way.  It doesn't seem very safe.  Wouldn't it be much safer to just go back to where I started?  Or maybe I should just sit here on this peak.  It feels really safe here.  Do I continue on the difficult path that is set before me, that I charted,  do I choose the easier, safer route back down the mountain where I came from, or do I just sit right here where it's comfortable and do nothing?

Decision making has never been easy for me.  There are certain areas in my life where I am very weak.  I will make a decision, take steps to carry it out, and then change my mind and return to where I was.  Because of fear.  Because of insecurity.  Not knowing if I am strong enough.

Staying true to your path involves having a direction, a plan. 

Direction can be defined as: 

     1.  the general development or progress of   

          something or someone

     2.  the feeling of having a definite purpose

     3.  instructions for doing something or getting

          to a place

So yes, I have made some progress.  My purpose is to achieve wholeness, happiness, rightness and peace.  Getting to that place is where the difficulty comes in.  Sometimes, it’s so hard to be true to your path.  I think that I will have to pay very close attention to what my heart is telling me, and yield to that, because it is in the heart where our light is, where we find our courage, our strength, and our place of healing.  

So yes, I know I have to take that irreversible step and go down the other side of this mountain… 

Note to Self:

Note to Self

 
I'm getting stronger every day...

Note to Self:

Sometimes I get so caught up in the struggles of everyday life, that I forget about some of the most basic things that are important to me. I've been trying to remind myself of these things lately, hence another topic is being added to my blog, and I'm labeling it Notes to Self. All of them can be found under that label on the right-hand side of my blog towards the bottom. So without further ado, here is the first post in that category: