It Is Well

My journey to where I am today has been a long, hard exhausting one.  If it were not for the influence of my Daddy, and his Godly teaching, I don't believe I would be a functioning individual. 

My Daddy had such a heart for God and people.  Everyone loved him, for he was a kind and gentle soul.  I am so thankful that I never knew the harsh hand of a father.  He taught me more by example than anything else.  I walked the straight and narrow, not out of fear, but because I did not want to disappoint my Daddy.

From a very early age, he taught me to persevere, and never give up on my dreams.  He taught me to rely fully on God, trusting Him to walk with me through every trial I would face, knowing that He would carry me through it, and I would be stronger and wiser for it. 

I learned how to put aside my shy, meek, and mild nature, and instead put on confidence and strength,  and to believe in myself.  I learned that I could do anything I wanted, but that it might sometimes require hard work on my part. 

My Daddy passed on to me a heart for God, a heart  for helping others, and a heart for changing lives.  This I learned by his fine example.  I don't strive for greatness.  I don't care to stand out.  I just want to know that I made a difference, if even a very small one.

One of my most precious memories of my Daddy is when his Alzheimer's Disease had become very advanced.  He was not able to communicate with us.  The words simply would not come to him.  Most days he didn't even know who we were.  I took him to church one Sunday.  He sat there lost, not knowing where he belonged.  And then the congregation began singing one of his favorite hymns, "It Is Well With My Soul."  As he listened to them sing, my Daddy suddenly stood to his feet,  raised his eyes toward heaven, and  sang along.  He sang every single word of that song, never missing a beat.  He knew where his help came from and he knew where his strength came from.   Though his mind was deteriorating, his spirit was not. 

This was the most important lesson he taught me -  that no matter what hardships came my way, no matter what I desired to accomplish in my life - I would be able to do so as long as I listened to that still, quiet voice whispering in my ear, saying that whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, It is well, it is well with my soul...

GRATEFUL For The Life I Live...

I recently had to move into my 85 y/o mother's house to help take care of her.  At the time this came about, it was the last thing I wanted to do.   I had left a bad relationship, and l was living on my own, paying my own bills, without a husband, for the first time ever.  I was learning to live all over again, learning who I was all over again.  Solitude was my friend.
Reluctantly, I packed everything up and moved back home.  I've been here for 3 months now.   In my bedroom I have my favorite recliner, my big-screen TV, and my big comfy bed.  It's a place where I can still have my solitude, but be close by if Mom needs me.   I have enjoyed having someone nearby, in the same house with me.  I never realized how lonely and depressed I felt, sitting there all alone in my apartment.
There were many devastating things that happened over the last few years, and I have battled frustration, depression, hopelessness, and despair.  I truly felt like I might never know happiness again.
As I sit in my recliner, reflecting on my life now, I realize that I am truly happy.  I am content with my circumstances.  I feel hope for my future.  I see so many things in myself that I'd almost lost sight of.   It is a wonderful feeling to wake up with joy every day - and for that, I am GRATEFUL!

Oh - To Be Able To Control the Mind and the Heart

I've been thinking about some things, trying to figure out why the mind and the heart works the way it does. Both work independently and separate from anything that you might perceive as logical. You can control what you do with your life, but dang it, you cannot control what happens in your heart or your mind.

I've been on my own and out of a toxic relationship for 7 months now. I've removed the negativity and the drama completely. I know without a doubt I made the right decision. Not once do I ever wish he was back in my life. I made up my mind about what I needed to do, and I've never wavered from it.   In fact, when I heard he had a new woman in his life, all I could think was "good - he'll leave me alone for good now." I pity her, because it won't be long before she'll be living the same life I lived with him.

I've reached the point now that I'm no longer "in love" with him. I don't long for him anymore. I've transitioned through the tedious process of learning to live apart from him, out from under his control. That transfer of control from him to me was rough at first. But I lived through it, and I am so much better and stronger now than I ever was.

The hard part has been getting him out of my mind and my heart. He still crosses my mind every single day, several times. Not sad thoughts, or missing him or anything like that. Just a random thought. His name will show up in my head, and maybe an image of him. I push it away. Later in the day, there it is again. Why? Why does he have to cross my mind so much? I don't want to think about him, EVER. It's just torture, because then it reminds me of the misery he put me through. So why does this keep happening? Does he still have some kind of control over me - even from afar? What do I do to make it go away?

I want it all to go away. I long for the day and the time that I NEVER think of him. That will be when I can truly proclaim he is out of my life for good. Tell me how to make him go away for good. I need him gone. Tell me how to do this...

I'm Getting To A Good Place

6 months ago I was homeless and alone, having fled from  a toxic, abusive relationship.  I had my own place after about 10 days.  It's small, but adequate.  I've been working very hard on healing my mind, my spirit, and my emotions.  I'm in a much better place now, though I still have much work to do.  I feel happier.  I feel stronger.  I have come so far.  Right about the time you start to see progress, old habits try to sneak back in.  For the past month or so, I have been battling my inner demons, for lack of a better way to describe it.  I've allowed my mind to go places it has no business going.  I've come very, very close to considering going back to him.  Every time I do though, I hear that small voice inside of me saying  "NO!  You have come so far.  You will not undo everything you have accomplished! You are far too valuable to settle for that!"  I believe it is the voice of the Holy Spirit, and I listen!  Every single time I have considered it, He always, always gives me a reality check.  Thank you Lord, for Your Holy Spirit who speaks to me in the still of the night.  For being my Voice of Reason.  For helping me to be strong enough to resist.  I will keep moving forward, putting one foot in front of the other.  I will never go backward, because I don't ever want to be in that place again. This is my journey, and I will correctly choose who I take with me.

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. ”

I Can Do This...

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience
in which you really stop to look fear in the face.
You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror.
I can take the next thing that comes along.’
You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

—Eleanor Roosevelt in You Learn by Living

To Be Completely Free

So you have left the emotionally abusive relationship, you're moving forward with your life, yet your emotions are still very raw and unpredictable. Sure, you're gonna miss him, miss the good things that you had together. But you're standing firm, unwilling to walk that road again.

So what do you do when he keeps contacting you, trying to get you to talk to him, to see him? Wanting to make you believe that things can be different between you. He wants to suck you right back into the relationship with empty promises and subtle manipulations.

I've been there, I've done that. I left and returned 5 or 6 times, always believing that somehow, someway, things would improve. That he would suddenly realize the gift he had in me, and start treating me right.

But I've come to realize and recognize those manipulations as veiled attempts to regain control over me. You see, that control was lost when I left. He was no longer able to feed off of me. My choice to leave severed that control. And even though I've severed the ties, kept my distance, and made it clear I have moved on - he is just not willing to let me go that easily.

Those attempts to regain control go something like this:

he ignores the fact that I've left, and attempts to carry on as if the relationship hasn't changed

he asks when I'm going to come back "home"

he tells me that things can be different between us, making promises about things he will do that will make things different. Suddenly he realizes what he's been doing wrong, and is willing to make important changes.

he tries to lure me back in by making me worry about his health, and trying to convince me that he needs me to take care of him, because he is alone and has no one

he tells me I'm the only one that he wants in his life, ever

he calls me to mention items I forget at his home, hoping I will come to get them

he tries to tempt me with gifts, tickets to events, invitations to go out and have fun, promises of things he can do for me financially

I recognize these tactics for exactly what they are: attempts to regain control over me - NOT valid expressions of love and caring. Veiled attempts to play on my sympathy and suck me back in. He knows my heart very well - he knows my weaknesses. He knows what works with me - what has worked in the past. He will keep trying and trying, using one tactic, and then another, hoping he will hit on just the right thing to make me crumble.

I've learned from past experience that every time I answer a text or phone call, that it encourages him - it gives him a foothold - and that is the beginning of the end for me - because when I let him in like that, I have lost the battle. But things are different now. I have my own apartment. I'm refusing to see him or talk to him. I KNOW where I am weak, and I am standing firm. I KNOW that if I continue to ignore his efforts, he WILL finally understand that I am not coming back, and that he DOES NOT hold the reins anymore.

If you are trying to leave a bad relationship, or if you have left, only to keep returning over and over - take my advice. Leave, and cut off ALL contact. Don't answer his texts. Don't answer his phone calls. Don't allow yourself to be sucked back in to that den of evil that you've been in. Take control of your life, and move forward. There's so much for you out there, just waiting for you. Learn how to be happy with yourself, your life, without a man in it. When you do, you will be giving yourself the gift of life, peace, and contentment that you so deserve...

A Time

for everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.

a time for quiet strength to be born, and a time for insecurity and  self doubt to die.

a time to plant courage, and a time to harvest peace.

a time to kill self-hatred, and a time to heal from fear of abandonment.

a time to tear down walls that protect me, and a time to build up hearts that love me.

a time to cry about how hard its been, and a time to laugh about how hard its been.

a time to grieve over the loss-of-my-back-as-i-once-knew-it, and a time to dance because i still can.

a time to scatter people who don't give a rip about me, and a time to gather people who do.

a time to embrace my voice, and a time to turn away from worrying about what other people think.

a time to search for balance, and a time to quit searching for the finish line.

a time to keep whats important, and a time to throw away all the rest.

a time to tear apart right doctrine, and a time to mend what i deeply believe.

a time to be quiet about what isn't, and a time to speak about what is.

a time to love slow steady transformation in myself others, and a time to hate impatience.
\
a time for war against resistance, and a time for peace in the chaos.

amen.

Note to Self

Staying True To My Path

On this day, God wants you to know:

... that decision is only wishful thinking until you take that first irreversible step. You can tell yourself that you have already decided, that nothing now can stop you - but if that step backwards is so much safer than that step forwards, what will hold you true to your path when the going gets tough? Sometimes, the right thing to do, is to take that first irreversible step, the one after which you cannot go back.  And now, for you, is one of those times.

Wow - this speaks to me in SO many ways.   It comes at a time of great decision and transition in my life.  I've climbed that mountain.  I'm sitting on the peak looking at the downhill side.  I can actually see the goal I've set, way down there in that valley.  It would be so easy to just throw myself forward and let my momentum carry me.  But there will be unavoidable hazards along the way.  It doesn't seem very safe.  Wouldn't it be much safer to just go back to where I started?  Or maybe I should just sit here on this peak.  It feels really safe here.  Do I continue on the difficult path that is set before me, that I charted,  do I choose the easier, safer route back down the mountain where I came from, or do I just sit right here where it's comfortable and do nothing?

Decision making has never been easy for me.  There are certain areas in my life where I am very weak.  I will make a decision, take steps to carry it out, and then change my mind and return to where I was.  Because of fear.  Because of insecurity.  Not knowing if I am strong enough.

Staying true to your path involves having a direction, a plan. 

Direction can be defined as: 

     1.  the general development or progress of   

          something or someone

     2.  the feeling of having a definite purpose

     3.  instructions for doing something or getting

          to a place

So yes, I have made some progress.  My purpose is to achieve wholeness, happiness, rightness and peace.  Getting to that place is where the difficulty comes in.  Sometimes, it’s so hard to be true to your path.  I think that I will have to pay very close attention to what my heart is telling me, and yield to that, because it is in the heart where our light is, where we find our courage, our strength, and our place of healing.  

So yes, I know I have to take that irreversible step and go down the other side of this mountain… 

May You Have Peace Within

A prayer attributed to St. Theresa of Lisieux:



''May today there be peace within...
May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be...
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others...
May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you...
May you be content with yourself just the way you are...
Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love...
It is there for each and every one of us...''

St-Theresa of Lisieux was known for her "little way" philosophy of serving God by doing small things. Her most famous recent namesake, who may soon also be beatified, is of course Mother Teresa, the Albanian-born Indian missionary who founded the Missionaries of Charity in Calcutta and won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1979.

Mother Teresa is quoted as saying:

"We cannot all do great things, but we can do small things with great love."

Sophia's Heart

Many of you are familiar with Danny Gokey, one of this year's American Idol contestants. He created this website it honor of his wife Sophia's work. She passed away shortly before he auditioned for American Idol. Now that his Idol participation is over, he will be blogging on the website again. I wanted to share his Feb 11, 2009 posting with you. He shares a very important message that we all need to consider. It's the posting titled "Letting Go."

Here's the link:
Sophia's Heart

Electric Cars

Yesterday, one of these showed up in my neighbor's driveway:

A limited number of them are to be available this year, for lease - $850 month. Then they would become available for purchase in 2010.
This is said to be a fun but quirky little car. One example is that the battery takes up the entire rear end of the car, so it definitely won't seat more than 2 up front. I'm sure there will be alot of pros and cons pointed out about this car. I just think it's cute. It would be very practical for me to have one to toodle around town in. Only I want mine to look like this:

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Stronger - Breaking Free Update

And I am happy to say that my heart is still growing stronger! I am so very proud that I am now 10 months smoke-free!!!! Yaaaayyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!

Breaking Free Update

I am patting myself on the back:

I'VE BEEN SMOKE-FREE FOR 7 MONTHS!!!!!!!!

And I am so very proud of myself! I feel so good. You can do it too! Go for it!

I'd Rather Do It Myself

I consider myself a pretty independent person, especially when it comes to tackling a project I want to get done. I've learned how to do quite a lot of stuff by myself just by digging in and doing it. There's usually no one else around to help me, and I just learn as I go. I get a lot of info from the internet on how to do stuff, and I've done pretty well. I think I can fix more around the house than my husband can. Now I'm not saying that it's because I know more, but maybe it's because I'm there more.

One thing I absolutely hate is when I start a project and get to a spot that I just can't do by myself. Usually it's because it takes someone with more strength than I have. I am a self-professed control freak and perfectionist, and I want to do everything myself, so I know it's done to my satisfaction. So - I HATE it when I have to ask for help, especially from my husband.

He LOVES it when I have to ask for help, as far as being able to display his expertise. He HATES it when I ask for help, because he KNOWS that I will immediately begin criticizing his technique. I usually have to do this because he never will just do what it is I'm asking him to do. When I need help, I tell him specifically what it is I need him to do for me. He then proceeds to tell me how he thinks it ought to be done. I usually end up getting really pissed at him, and yelling at him to please just do it the way I'm asking, because that's the way I want it done. If he says anything else, I just take the tool or whatever away from him, put on my pissy face, and say "fine, I'll just do it myself." It always works. He immediately gets it done my way.

I don't really mean to be hateful about it. It just happens that way. I know it's wrong, because most women don't have a man that is as willing to help his wife as mine is. I'm truly grateful for him and his willingness. It's just that my perfectionist, control-freak demons take over me, and I just want it done my way.

After he gets started doing it my way, and we're getting the job done together, my mood improves, and I start being nice again. At this point I am actually enjoying working together and accomplishing something.

It's something I've got to work on - learning to control my temper and showing him that I am grateful for his help.

When I Reach the Place I'm Going

by Wynonna

When I reach the place I'm goin'
I will surely know my way
And I will turn and look inside me
And bid farewell to one more day

Every light begins with darkness
Every flower is once a seed
And with the sun and wind to test us
We are bound to be released

I will fly beyond this valley
I will open up the gate
And when I reach the place I'm goin'
I will surely know my way

We have hands to hold our sorrow
We have tears to heal the pain
And though your eyes ask many questions
On your lips I hear my name

I was born without a whisper
I was born beneath the rain
But when I reach the place I'm goin'
I will surely know my way
I will surely know my way

I Didn't Mean For That To Happen

This is my entry for Blogophilia Week 7







Week 7 Topic: I Didn't Mean For That to Happen
Bonus points (hard, 2 points): Include a dance in a field of daisies.
Bonus points (easy, 1 point): Mention Dr. Seuss and bananas.


I was out shopping for a new car.  I hated doing that.  You can never shop for a car without being bugged to death by those squirrelly car salesmen.  You know the type. 



They're either real pushy about getting you to commit to SOMETHING, or they just flirt and tell you nice things to try and convince you to buy a car.  One salesman thought that being a hopeless romantic would work.  I'm sure he would have done a dance in a field of daisies to try and  convince me that he was the perfect man.  Another took it even further in portraying himself as the perfect father - or step-father.  He said he would tuck the children into bed at night, and read them Dr. Seuss books.  He would feed them a breakfast of sliced bananas and cereal.   Not!!!!!!!!  I wasn't looking for a boyfriend or substitute father for my children.



I stopped at the last car lot of the day.  I was fed up with looking, and fed up with men, too.  I got out of my car with an attitude.  As I started walking around the lot looking at cars, here comes the car salesman.  Hmmm...dressed nice - not overly aggressive.  He asked me what I was looking for, and offered a few suggestions.  Said if I saw anything I liked to let him know and he would get the keys for me.  That was different.   He just left me alone to look, instead of trying to push certain cars on me.  He brought me the keys to a couple of cars, and rode with me on the test drives.  We talked about my life,  and my situation.  For some weird reason, I wasn't feeling the usual repulsion that most car salesmen caused.  This guy was really nice!  I just may be able to find a car to buy, instead of getting pissed off and leaving with nothing. 

I ended up in his office discussing the purchase of a vehicle that I liked.  Things were going fine, I wasn't feeling any pressure.  THEN he asked me to go with him to the autoshow.  There it was.  I told him he was just asking me out because he wanted me to buy the car.   He said he wanted to go out whether I bought a car or not.  Right...  I left the dealership that day without buying a car. 

However, I returned the next day, because I really liked the car.  I decided I would just put him in his place, get the purchase over with, and go home.  I pretty much did that.
But...he called me that night.  I'd already purchased the car, so why was he calling me now?  He asked me again to go to the autoshow.  I figured - what's the harm?  He's really not like most car salesmen.  One date won't hurt, then I'll be on my way.   



I went with him to the car show.  He walked with me and held my hand.  Afterwards, we went to dinner, then back to my house.   We talked awhile, and he said he was going to go home.  I got a nice big hug goodbye - no kiss, or anything else.  This man was a gentleman! 

We went out a few more times, and you wouldn't believe how this story ends.  He is now my husband!!!!!  I didn't mean for that to happen.  I didn't mean to fall in love with a car salesman.  I couldn't help it.  He was just so sweet.  Besides that, he's not a car salesman anymore.  Now he's a Sales Manager.  That makes everything all right, because I still despise car salesman.

Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda

Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda's - thanks Colleen

Here's my own personal list of regrets.   I'm thankful for
the regrets because they've helped me to become a better,
stronger person.

I Could Have:

~Given up on my marriage, but things are so much better
now.
~Stayed with my first husband, but I couldn't find any answers or solutions as to how to make it work.
~Done without the heartache I've endured, but I've learned
so much from it all.
~Let life make me bitter and angry, but that's just too much
work, and I want to spread love, not hate.
~Done the typical rebellious things most teenagers do, but I
just wasn't interested.

I Should Have:

~Not given up my $10,000 scholarship to college.
~Finished college before I married, but I wanted and
needed to be with the one that I loved, because I had felt so
unloved for so long.
~Said "I Love You" more often.
~Determined sooner that I would not be a product of my
upbringing.
~Recognized the poor example of love that was set for me,
so I could try to change those things before I became a wife
and mother.
~Been a better parent to my children.
~Done a better job of being a Godly parent.
~Spent more time with my children and less time with the
things I felt I "had" to get done.
~Been more aware of other people's needs.
~Used more self control.
~Figured out how to help my son.

I Would Have:

~Wanted to get to my Daddy's bedside before he passed away so I could tell him goodbye.
~Wanted my son's life to turn out differently.
~Wanted my daughter to not be so moody.
~Made some very different choices in my life.
~Not compromised my standards or morals.
~Gotten a 4 yr college degree instead of blowing off college when I did.
~Used my talents and gifts more to help others.
~Learned to love myself.
~Figured out how to "heal" some relationships in my life.

There's much more I could add, but this is enough for now.

Breaking Free Update - Feb 11, 2008

Originally posted February 11, 2008

Tomorrow marks 4 weeks since I quit smoking.  I have not failed - I have not even cheated one time.  I started out taking the Chantix  1 week before my quit date.  It is designed to help with the physical cravings, by blocking the nicotine receptors in your brain.  During the first week before I quit, I noticed I was smoking less without even trying, so it must work somehow. 

At the end of that week, I sat outside at my table and savored my very last cigarette at midnight.  I felt truly sad that I would never again enjoy the feel of pulling that smoke into my lungs, or the taste (yes taste) of that cigarette (how misguided I was).  I tried to make the cigarette last as long as possible.

 If I hadn't been so sleepy, I probably would have sat outside and smoked the rest of the pack.  As it was, I was completely exhausted and could hardly keep my eyes open.  So I put the cigarette out, and went inside.  I set the pack of cigarettes and lighter by my husband's coffee pot, as he had promised to discard them when he got up.  I didn't have the heart to do so myself.  Then I went to bed.

The very next day, I got up, knowing right away there would be no waking up cigarette, but that was ok.  The cigarettes were gone, the ashtray was gone, no evidence anywhere. 

But then the temptations  began.  For the first 3 or 4 days, I did feel some physical cravings, but they weren't very bad.  What REALLY got to me was the habitual behaviors connected with smoking a cigarette.  Waking up, after a meal, while driving, while playing cards, etc.  Every situation connected with smoking a cigarette (which is basically anytime I'm not inside my house.) 

However, it is true - each day is easier than the one before.  I found that when I was really wanting a cigarette, I just made myself immediately think of something else, and found something  to do to take my mind off of it.  That's what I've done every day. 

I have a support website that I log in to every day, and it has a spot where you chart your level of cravings.  I started out at a 9 for a few days, then it gradually began to decline.  For the last week, I have been at 3 and 2.  When I finished my first month of Chantix last week, I decided I really didn't need to pay $120 for another prescription, because I've been doing so well.  I'm doing great without the pills.  My physical cravings are almost non-existant.  My mental cravings are declining rapidly.  Although I will fondly remember the pleasure of smoking a cigarette, I will never, ever pick one up again to smoke.  And that's a promise to my family and friends.

Things I LOVE About Not Smoking

Originally posted January 21, 2008

I just completed my 6th day of not smoking - yeah me! I thought I would share a few things that I LOVE about not smoking...

~~I love the way I smell - no icky ashtray smelling hair, body, clothes, fingers - I can actually smell my perfume now. So can other people!

~~I love the way I don't have to worry about smelling bad when I give someone a kiss.

~~I love being in control of me, and not having to plan my life around when and where I can smoke.

~~I love not having to sit outside in the cold freezing my buns off to have yet another cigarette.

~~I love that I will now live a longer and healthier life.

~~I love that I am setting a good example for my children.

~~I love that I no longer have to feel embarrassed that others know I smoke.

~~I love that I'm no longer wheezing at night when I sleep.

~~I love that the people I care about are proud of me.

~~I love that I have inspired others to quit.

~~I love being able to go out to eat and ask for a seat in the nonsmoking section.

~~I love that I'm already starting to breathe easier.

~~I love that I am my true self now, no longer hiding.

~~I love having the freedom from fear - fear of the addiction, and what it was doing to me. What a tremendous release to let go of that burden.

~~I love that I now have more time here to love, laugh, and enjoy my life with my family and friends.

I love ya'll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Patti