You’ve tried so hard, for so long. You’ve left, and then returned to try again – several times. You’ve given it your all, over and over again. It seems no matter what you do, it is never enough. You still always seem to fall short of his expectations. He doesn’t like what you say. He doesn’t like what you do. He doesn’t like what you think. He doesn’t like what you feel. You’ve begun to start every day with a feeling of dread, apprehension and fear. Your life is dominated by an overwhelming feeling of sadness and despair. It feels like a bad dream. So what is left for you? You feel like your only choice is to leave, yet again, but this time you have to figure out a way to break free of the hold he has on you, and never return again.
Sound familiar? If so, then you are probably in an emotionally abusive relationship. You may hear him say every day how much he loves you, yet he doesn’t treat you right. All of the signs are there and you KNOW that there is NOTHING you can ever do that will make this relationship work. You are a victim of verbal abuse, which in turn, is having a devastating effect on you, your self-image, and on your ability to cope and function as a normal person in this world.
Emotional abuse is defined as a set or combination of traits or behaviors that are intended to control and dominate another person through fear, guilt, intimidation, humiliation, and manipulation. It is a pattern of behavior that occurs repeatedly over time, gradually getting worse and worse as the abuser establishes his control over you, proceeding in a gradual, subtle way, but with harmful effects. It gradually breaks down your spirit, destroys your self-worth, steals your confidence, and hampers your ability to trust, to love, or to have any faith in yourself or anyone else.
Emotional abuse also causes harm to your physical health. You sleep poorly, don’t have an appetite, and invariably have stress-related conditions like depression, anxiety attacks, chronic fatigue, ulcers, and migraines.
Many of the following behaviors are common for abusers. Any of these behaviors alone or together are abusive:
• Extreme jealousy of other men and women, friends, family, co-workers, and children
• Suspicious – of everything you do when you’re away from him – monitors phone calls, text messages, e-mails – while at the same time keeping his unavailable to you
• Isolating you from family, friends, and anyone who could provide emotional support
• Emotional withholding – refusal to share his feelings – or being unaware or insensitive to your feelings – giving you the silent treatment
• Lack of physical intimacy such as hand-holding or cuddling
• Verbal abuse – yelling, name-calling, insults, shame, sarcasm, threats
• Humiliation – criticizing you in front of others, pointing out your flaws or embarrassing moments to others
• Selfishness – demands that all of your time be devoted to fulfilling his wants and needs – you’re never allowed any time for yourself
• Threats: verbal – “you will be sorry,” and physical – throwing things, breaking things
• Lies – keeping secrets from you, half-truths, rearranging facts to suit him
• Mixed messages – telling you how much he loves you while he continues to treat you badly
• Dependence – tries to convince you that you are nothing without him, no one else will want you – you are unworthy of his love
• Fear – a non-verbal threat that you will suffer the consequences if you do not do things the way he wants
• Raging – screaming, yelling, throwing things, cussing
• Intimidation – using his strength and his power to make you afraid of what he might do
• Sexual dominance – using guilt, shame, physical force in order to force you to have sex with him when and how he demands it, with no regard to your feelings
• Blame – it’s always your fault, he is never responsible for anything wrong in the relationship
• Hiding his bad behavior – doesn’t let the public witness how he mistreats you
• Physical violence – slapping, punching, kicking, grabbing, pinching, pushing, biting, choking, restraining
• Treats you like a possession rather than a partner
• Keeps you from sleep – or wakes you in the middle of the night to point out your shortcomings
• Superiority – his thoughts, his actions, his knowledge, and his love are always superior to yours
The effects of emotional abuse last your entire life. You’ve received the underlying message that life is not safe or stable. Because of a lack of security or consistency, you always feel tense, afraid, and insecure. Over time, this leads to depression and anger. Because of the emotional abuse, you begin to believe that nothing you do is right, and you feel tremendous guilt over everything you do. You forget how to even recognize what is right. You live every day tense, always anticipating the next round of criticism and blame. You never feel safe. You don’t trust anyone, because you have been conditioned to believe that when you trust someone, they invariably hurt you. You believe that you really are unworthy. Everyone is kept at arms-length, because without realizing it, you think that the only way to feel safe and secure is by living a life alone, away from other people. Your life is filled with an all-consuming sadness because your heart is breaking.
You reach a point in your life where you HAVE to do something. You HAVE to see the truth about your situation, and about yourself. You HAVE to believe that you are a beautiful, loving, good person who is worthy of receiving love, real love from another person. A love that builds you up, instead of tearing you down. A love that allows you to be the imperfect human that you are without consequences. A love that believes in you and all that you are capable of. A true love – an UNCONDITIONAL love.
The real truth about you is that you are an amazing, beautiful person. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. Your life has value. Your feelings matter. You deserve to be accepted. You deserve to be loved by a real man that will support you, protect you, and will never hurt you physically or leave you. And one day, some day, you WILL find that love that you deserve.
So please, start to believe the truth about yourself, and let that truth empower you to break free, so that you can begin to experience the life that you deserve…
