I Can Do This...

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience
in which you really stop to look fear in the face.
You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror.
I can take the next thing that comes along.’
You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

—Eleanor Roosevelt in You Learn by Living

You Know the Kind...

”He will choose you, disarm you with his words, and control you with his presence.

He will delight you with his wit and his plans. he will show you a good time, but you will always get the bill.

He will smile and deceive you, and he will scare you with his eyes.

And when he is through with you, (and he will be through with you), he will desert you and take with him your innocence and your pride.

You will be left much sadder but not a lot wiser, and for a long time you will wonder what happened and what you did wrong.

And if another of his kind comes knocking at your door, will you open it? “

unknown author

To Be Completely Free

So you have left the emotionally abusive relationship, you're moving forward with your life, yet your emotions are still very raw and unpredictable. Sure, you're gonna miss him, miss the good things that you had together. But you're standing firm, unwilling to walk that road again.

So what do you do when he keeps contacting you, trying to get you to talk to him, to see him? Wanting to make you believe that things can be different between you. He wants to suck you right back into the relationship with empty promises and subtle manipulations.

I've been there, I've done that. I left and returned 5 or 6 times, always believing that somehow, someway, things would improve. That he would suddenly realize the gift he had in me, and start treating me right.

But I've come to realize and recognize those manipulations as veiled attempts to regain control over me. You see, that control was lost when I left. He was no longer able to feed off of me. My choice to leave severed that control. And even though I've severed the ties, kept my distance, and made it clear I have moved on - he is just not willing to let me go that easily.

Those attempts to regain control go something like this:

he ignores the fact that I've left, and attempts to carry on as if the relationship hasn't changed

he asks when I'm going to come back "home"

he tells me that things can be different between us, making promises about things he will do that will make things different. Suddenly he realizes what he's been doing wrong, and is willing to make important changes.

he tries to lure me back in by making me worry about his health, and trying to convince me that he needs me to take care of him, because he is alone and has no one

he tells me I'm the only one that he wants in his life, ever

he calls me to mention items I forget at his home, hoping I will come to get them

he tries to tempt me with gifts, tickets to events, invitations to go out and have fun, promises of things he can do for me financially

I recognize these tactics for exactly what they are: attempts to regain control over me - NOT valid expressions of love and caring. Veiled attempts to play on my sympathy and suck me back in. He knows my heart very well - he knows my weaknesses. He knows what works with me - what has worked in the past. He will keep trying and trying, using one tactic, and then another, hoping he will hit on just the right thing to make me crumble.

I've learned from past experience that every time I answer a text or phone call, that it encourages him - it gives him a foothold - and that is the beginning of the end for me - because when I let him in like that, I have lost the battle. But things are different now. I have my own apartment. I'm refusing to see him or talk to him. I KNOW where I am weak, and I am standing firm. I KNOW that if I continue to ignore his efforts, he WILL finally understand that I am not coming back, and that he DOES NOT hold the reins anymore.

If you are trying to leave a bad relationship, or if you have left, only to keep returning over and over - take my advice. Leave, and cut off ALL contact. Don't answer his texts. Don't answer his phone calls. Don't allow yourself to be sucked back in to that den of evil that you've been in. Take control of your life, and move forward. There's so much for you out there, just waiting for you. Learn how to be happy with yourself, your life, without a man in it. When you do, you will be giving yourself the gift of life, peace, and contentment that you so deserve...