Holes

I feel lonely, God - and angry, and sad, and stuck. I know You've been close, in the past. I've felt You holding me close those years of feeling so fragile.  You brought me my children - all three. Not one did I deserve. Not one have I felt qualified to care for.

But I want to trust You, and I have seen you in the moments when I have felt completely overwhelmed with my children. Oh, children are such a responsibility, Father! They weren't just mine to care for but Yours, really. And I always so much wanted to do a good job.

Sometimes I’m not sure You love me, God. I read Your words to me, I read about You. There are times that I know there is something missing. I know I’ll forever feel not okay unless I know that You love me.

But how, God? How do I get there? How do I let go of all the pain of my past and hear You and see You, right here, and know, without a doubt, that I am Yours? How can I possibly be fully Yours when I feel so trapped, so forgotten, so broken, so alone?

I am tired of feeling so broken, God. I am tired of feeling afraid and lonely and broken. Take this, Father. I’m weary of carrying this alone.

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My daughter, don’t cry. I know it is hard to hear Me when you doubt Me being with You, when you needed Me most. I was there, my daughter, the whole time.

That doesn't mean I condone what has happened. That doesn't mean those moments you endured are ones I planned for you. I don’t plan for evil, my daughter. I don’t plan for marriages to be broken, for children to have to grow up so fast. It is not My plan for you to have to endure the pain and heartache of an unfaithful spouse who did not value you.  It is not My plan to have a little girl feel she needs to be the strong one in the family. It is not My plan for you to feel so rejected and unloved by a parent who chose you, but never made you feel that you were worthy.   It is not My plan for this world to be so broken, to be so unlovely, for you to feel so desperately alone.

You are not alone, my daughter. And you, also, are not broken in ways that cannot be fixed. I know you feel you are broken, shattered in a million pieces. You want to collect all the pieces of yourself and offer them up but you don’t feel like they are worth much. So, when you hear the word, “surrender”, you aren't sure it will do any good. Because you don’t believe your life is one worth surrendering. Because you don’t believe I've come for you, that you are cherished and perfectly beautiful and you shine, My daughter, you shine.

Do you know what I love to call you, in the night, when your mind is racing and you want to know--oh, you want to know--why this happened, and how this happened and when the pain will ever stop?

I call you my Cherished One. I reach out my hand and brush away your tears and I cradle you. For you are still that little girl inside, you know, my darling. And that is good. It is not bad that you feel fragile inside. It is okay that you don’t feel whole. Keep looking to Me for your wholeness. Keep looking to Me for all the broken pieces in you to be collected, made beautiful.

I am whole. You don’t need to try to make yourself whole. Let those holes in you be the places where I touch you. Let the pain of the past be what I hold as I hold you. I take this pain and I cradle you close and I cherish you, my darling. And it was never My plan for you to hurt like you do.

borrowed and paraphrased from "You Are My Girls"

BE STILL

I know it might be hard for you to understand right now, because of the place that you're in.  But I want you to know that sometimes, it takes learning how to be perfectly lonely, just so God can show you what being perfectly loved feels like.  Life isn't always about searching so you can find - but at times, it's about being still - so you can receive. 

 

Too many times we let the fear of loneliness put us in a situation that God never intended for us to be in.   We let the fear of loneliness force us to chase after something God never intended for us to catch.  We lose our identity because we are too afraid to be still.  We lose our identity because we are too impatient to wait on God.  And I know personally, that you will always end up lost, when you move without God's ordered steps; and your path will always be wrong when you don't depend on God to direct it. 

You gotta understand, it's ok to have your relationship life on pause.  It's ok to have your social life on pause.  It's ok to have that situation, whatever it is for you, on pause.  Sometimes that holding pattern that you don't want is the blessing that your life needs.  Holding patterns are necessary, because they allow God to properly prepare you for what He has for you. 

And I feel you.  I know how you're feeling right now.  I know it's a struggle for you to find contentment in your life's silence.  But you gotta understand, that the quieter your life becomes, the more you can hear God speaking to your heart.  The more still your life becomes, the more you can feel God's presence in your life. 

Don't make the mistake of putting yourself in the wrong situation, because of loneliness.  Don't chase after something because you're lonely - but be still, and let God bring it to you, because you're ready.  Listen to me - He will reveal the right situation, under the right circumstances - but He first wants to make you His, before He gives you to somebody else.  He first wants to let you know everything you are - you're loved, you're special, you're beautiful, you’re talented - before this world tries to tell you everything you're not. 

And I'll leave you with this:  the strongest person isn't the one who can always move forward.  Sometimes it's the one who has the strength to be still.  The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.  You trust that.  You believe in that.  And you keep practicing that smile.

~~~~~Trent Shelton - on loneliness   

Lifter Of My Head

Most days I am able to keep my head up and keep moving forward, no matter what my circumstances are.  Last night I ran smack dab into a wall of frustration, and I just feel so discouraged - about finances.  Sometimes I wanna be the person that gets that break, the one that gets to go out and do things, enjoy an outing every once in a while, a weekend get-away.   I'm tired of living life paycheck to paycheck, just paying bills and having to say  no to everything else because there's just not enough money. I'm tired of living my life sitting in my chair doing nothing, day after day, because I can't afford to go anywhere.

I make sure my daughter has what she needs, no matter what.  I put aside my own needs for hers - her needs are met, even if it means I have to put off paying a bill.  It's what you do when you're a single parent - and a good parent.  It's hard - and it's even harder when  your child's father contributes nothing to help with the cost of raising your child.

Things are especially difficult financially right now, and I've allowed despair to creep in and grab hold of me.    I hate it.    I've calculated over and over, and there just isn't enough money there to do what I need to do this month.    My vehicle needs to be repaired, but I can't pay for the repairs.   I have to shift my focus from what I see before  me in my checkbook, and instead focus on what my heart and my spirit knows to be true.

I know, I KNOW in my heart that God will provide, as He always does, even when I can't see any possible answers myself.   I know that when I am looking down, I am not looking up to Him.

It's time to separate my head and my heart - to lift my head to the One that loves me and sees my efforts.  He will supply all of my needs.  He will make a way.  I know He will.

But you, O LORD, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head. Psalm 3:3