I feel lonely, God - and angry, and sad, and stuck. I
know You've been close, in the past. I've felt You holding me close those years
of feeling so fragile. You brought me my
children - all three. Not one did I deserve. Not one have I felt qualified to
care for.
But I want to trust You, and I have seen you in the moments
when I have felt completely overwhelmed with my children. Oh, children are such
a responsibility, Father! They weren't just mine to care for but Yours, really.
And I always so much wanted to do a good job.
Sometimes I’m not sure You love me, God. I read Your words
to me, I read about You. There are times that I know there is something
missing. I know I’ll forever feel not okay unless I know that You love me.
But how, God? How do I get there? How do I let go of all the
pain of my past and hear You and see You, right here, and know, without a
doubt, that I am Yours? How can I possibly be fully Yours when I feel so
trapped, so forgotten, so broken, so alone?
I am tired of feeling so broken, God. I am tired of feeling
afraid and lonely and broken. Take this, Father. I’m weary of carrying this
alone.
My daughter, don’t cry. I know it is hard to hear Me when
you doubt Me being with You, when you needed Me most. I was there, my daughter,
the whole time.
That doesn't mean I condone what has happened. That doesn't
mean those moments you endured are ones I planned for you. I don’t plan for
evil, my daughter. I don’t plan for marriages to be broken, for children to
have to grow up so fast. It is not My plan for you to have to endure the pain
and heartache of an unfaithful spouse who did not value you. It is not My plan to have a little girl feel
she needs to be the strong one in the family. It is not My plan for you to feel
so rejected and unloved by a parent who chose you, but never made you feel that
you were worthy. It is not My plan for
this world to be so broken, to be so unlovely, for you to feel so desperately
alone.
You are not alone, my daughter. And you, also, are not
broken in ways that cannot be fixed. I know you feel you are broken, shattered
in a million pieces. You want to collect all the pieces of yourself and offer
them up but you don’t feel like they are worth much. So, when you hear the
word, “surrender”, you aren't sure it will do any good. Because you don’t
believe your life is one worth surrendering. Because you don’t believe I've
come for you, that you are cherished and perfectly beautiful and you shine, My
daughter, you shine.
Do you know what I love to call you, in the night, when your
mind is racing and you want to know--oh, you want to know--why this happened,
and how this happened and when the pain will ever stop?
I call you my Cherished One. I reach out my hand and brush
away your tears and I cradle you. For you are still that little girl inside,
you know, my darling. And that is good. It is not bad that you feel fragile
inside. It is okay that you don’t feel whole. Keep looking to Me for your
wholeness. Keep looking to Me for all the broken pieces in you to be collected,
made beautiful.
I am whole. You don’t need to try to make yourself whole.
Let those holes in you be the places where I touch you. Let the pain of the
past be what I hold as I hold you. I take this pain and I cradle you close and
I cherish you, my darling. And it was never My plan for you to hurt like you
do.
borrowed and paraphrased from "You Are My Girls"
