It Is Well With My Soul

I got this tattoo yesterday, in loving memory of my Daddy  - Alban Leman Neel.   He passed away in 2005. He had Alzheimer's disease. He didn't know who we were anymore, and couldn't hold a conversation with us anymore. We took him to church one night, and we sang his favorite hymn, "It Is Well With My Soul."   Despite his inability to communicate with us in words, he stood to his feet, lifted his eyes upward, and he sang the words to that hymn - every word - and he had the most joyful, peaceful look on his face. I will never forget that day.  I was able to see the awesome presence of the Holy Spirit residing in him, giving him words to worship with, when he could not find his own. Daddy was such a Godly influence in my life.  I miss him alot...

 "No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal."

Oh - To Be Able To Control the Mind and the Heart

I've been thinking about some things, trying to figure out why the mind and the heart works the way it does. Both work independently and separate from anything that you might perceive as logical. You can control what you do with your life, but dang it, you cannot control what happens in your heart or your mind.

I've been on my own and out of a toxic relationship for 7 months now. I've removed the negativity and the drama completely. I know without a doubt I made the right decision. Not once do I ever wish he was back in my life. I made up my mind about what I needed to do, and I've never wavered from it.   In fact, when I heard he had a new woman in his life, all I could think was "good - he'll leave me alone for good now." I pity her, because it won't be long before she'll be living the same life I lived with him.

I've reached the point now that I'm no longer "in love" with him. I don't long for him anymore. I've transitioned through the tedious process of learning to live apart from him, out from under his control. That transfer of control from him to me was rough at first. But I lived through it, and I am so much better and stronger now than I ever was.

The hard part has been getting him out of my mind and my heart. He still crosses my mind every single day, several times. Not sad thoughts, or missing him or anything like that. Just a random thought. His name will show up in my head, and maybe an image of him. I push it away. Later in the day, there it is again. Why? Why does he have to cross my mind so much? I don't want to think about him, EVER. It's just torture, because then it reminds me of the misery he put me through. So why does this keep happening? Does he still have some kind of control over me - even from afar? What do I do to make it go away?

I want it all to go away. I long for the day and the time that I NEVER think of him. That will be when I can truly proclaim he is out of my life for good. Tell me how to make him go away for good. I need him gone. Tell me how to do this...

Spread a Little Love

I love the Philadelphia Cream Cheese commercial that sings the song “Spread a Little Love.” 

I went on YouTube and figured out that the song it is based on was originally sung by Jackie DeShannon. 

Jackie DeShannon - this one doesn't do much for me

There are other artists who have recorded the song, including John Mayer, Dolly Parton, Al Green, and Anne Murray.   I like those four the best, but I think the one by John Mayer is my favorite, simply because I love his voice.

John Mayer-because his voice is so soulful

Anne Murray - I love her deep alto and it's in my range

 

Al Green - American gospel and soul artist

 

Dolly Parton - because she's just so happy and peppy

Which one is your favorite?

I'm Getting To A Good Place

6 months ago I was homeless and alone, having fled from  a toxic, abusive relationship.  I had my own place after about 10 days.  It's small, but adequate.  I've been working very hard on healing my mind, my spirit, and my emotions.  I'm in a much better place now, though I still have much work to do.  I feel happier.  I feel stronger.  I have come so far.  Right about the time you start to see progress, old habits try to sneak back in.  For the past month or so, I have been battling my inner demons, for lack of a better way to describe it.  I've allowed my mind to go places it has no business going.  I've come very, very close to considering going back to him.  Every time I do though, I hear that small voice inside of me saying  "NO!  You have come so far.  You will not undo everything you have accomplished! You are far too valuable to settle for that!"  I believe it is the voice of the Holy Spirit, and I listen!  Every single time I have considered it, He always, always gives me a reality check.  Thank you Lord, for Your Holy Spirit who speaks to me in the still of the night.  For being my Voice of Reason.  For helping me to be strong enough to resist.  I will keep moving forward, putting one foot in front of the other.  I will never go backward, because I don't ever want to be in that place again. This is my journey, and I will correctly choose who I take with me.

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. ”

Read this profound statement today:

 When I turn a negative experience into a tool that brings meaning into my life and others, I am taking the best kind of revenge on my abuser...

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Negative things done to you in your past hurt. They'll hurt forever if you let them. There comes a point in time when you have to realize that you can't live backwards. Dwelling on the past is dying. Cherishing today and looking forward to tomorrow is living. Don't let your past prevent you from living. 
 JERALDHOWARD.com

This Was My Life

If this is your life too, then get out now while you can. It will not get better. In time you will completely lose sight of yourself. Don't allow anyone to have that much control over you. You are strong. You are brave. You are beautiful...

I Can Do This...

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience
in which you really stop to look fear in the face.
You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror.
I can take the next thing that comes along.’
You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

—Eleanor Roosevelt in You Learn by Living

You Know the Kind...

”He will choose you, disarm you with his words, and control you with his presence.

He will delight you with his wit and his plans. he will show you a good time, but you will always get the bill.

He will smile and deceive you, and he will scare you with his eyes.

And when he is through with you, (and he will be through with you), he will desert you and take with him your innocence and your pride.

You will be left much sadder but not a lot wiser, and for a long time you will wonder what happened and what you did wrong.

And if another of his kind comes knocking at your door, will you open it? “

unknown author

To Be Completely Free

So you have left the emotionally abusive relationship, you're moving forward with your life, yet your emotions are still very raw and unpredictable. Sure, you're gonna miss him, miss the good things that you had together. But you're standing firm, unwilling to walk that road again.

So what do you do when he keeps contacting you, trying to get you to talk to him, to see him? Wanting to make you believe that things can be different between you. He wants to suck you right back into the relationship with empty promises and subtle manipulations.

I've been there, I've done that. I left and returned 5 or 6 times, always believing that somehow, someway, things would improve. That he would suddenly realize the gift he had in me, and start treating me right.

But I've come to realize and recognize those manipulations as veiled attempts to regain control over me. You see, that control was lost when I left. He was no longer able to feed off of me. My choice to leave severed that control. And even though I've severed the ties, kept my distance, and made it clear I have moved on - he is just not willing to let me go that easily.

Those attempts to regain control go something like this:

he ignores the fact that I've left, and attempts to carry on as if the relationship hasn't changed

he asks when I'm going to come back "home"

he tells me that things can be different between us, making promises about things he will do that will make things different. Suddenly he realizes what he's been doing wrong, and is willing to make important changes.

he tries to lure me back in by making me worry about his health, and trying to convince me that he needs me to take care of him, because he is alone and has no one

he tells me I'm the only one that he wants in his life, ever

he calls me to mention items I forget at his home, hoping I will come to get them

he tries to tempt me with gifts, tickets to events, invitations to go out and have fun, promises of things he can do for me financially

I recognize these tactics for exactly what they are: attempts to regain control over me - NOT valid expressions of love and caring. Veiled attempts to play on my sympathy and suck me back in. He knows my heart very well - he knows my weaknesses. He knows what works with me - what has worked in the past. He will keep trying and trying, using one tactic, and then another, hoping he will hit on just the right thing to make me crumble.

I've learned from past experience that every time I answer a text or phone call, that it encourages him - it gives him a foothold - and that is the beginning of the end for me - because when I let him in like that, I have lost the battle. But things are different now. I have my own apartment. I'm refusing to see him or talk to him. I KNOW where I am weak, and I am standing firm. I KNOW that if I continue to ignore his efforts, he WILL finally understand that I am not coming back, and that he DOES NOT hold the reins anymore.

If you are trying to leave a bad relationship, or if you have left, only to keep returning over and over - take my advice. Leave, and cut off ALL contact. Don't answer his texts. Don't answer his phone calls. Don't allow yourself to be sucked back in to that den of evil that you've been in. Take control of your life, and move forward. There's so much for you out there, just waiting for you. Learn how to be happy with yourself, your life, without a man in it. When you do, you will be giving yourself the gift of life, peace, and contentment that you so deserve...