He Had Not Forgotten Me

The darkest most painful time in my life - I had lost all sense of direction and control,

- lost all sense of who I was, or who i was becoming.

I realized a loss that was so very deep - a cavern of sorrow, 

and there was nothing to fill it.

I had literally lost myself in all of the brokenness,

drowning in a senseless despair that brought me to my knees,

as I grieved for the person that I once was, before my soul was so damaged - 

as I grieved for the loss of my self-respect, and my sense of well-being.

And all the while my heart cried out to God for strength:

to endure, to understand, to not be broken beyond repair - 

for I feared that I was.

There was nowhere I belonged, nowhere I fit in, nowhere I was wanted - 

no part of me that was worthy of being loved by anyone.

I can't forget all of the tears I cried, all of the questions I asked,

of a God who was no longer there.

I begged and pleaded for deliverance from the thoughts that plagued me. 

I wanted to be free of the pain.  I wanted to smile again.

And then, I began to free myself from all of it,

by taking just one step forward, in the right direction -

letting my heart guide me towards that freedom that I longed for.

I made my way down that precarious path, yet  I was afraid.

But I pushed on, drawing from a strength that was inside of me,

that I didn't know I still possessed. 

And yes,  I was still breathing, my heart was still beating -

I WAS ALIVE AND WHOLE.

I began to listen with my heart and my spirit,

and I began to rest in Him.

And then I realized  that I had never had to beg,  

I only had to listen,and take that step forward. 

I WAS THEN ABLE TO SEE WHO I WAS IN HIM.  I SAW MYSELF AS HE SAW ME.  

I once again began to see my value, my strength, my beauty, my intelligence,

my abilities, my normalcy, my WORTHINESS - and  my UN-BROKENNESS...

AND I LIKED WHAT I SAW.

That love, that worthiness, that beauty I was able to see in myself?  

It was reflected outward to others.  

It opened a window to my soul, that others were able to look through,

and see who I was on the inside, as well as the outside.  

It allowed the Light inside of me to shine forth, and others saw that Light.   

And the blessings began to flow...

I love who I am, and who I am becoming.  

Everything is falling into place the way it should be,

and I can't wait to see what the future holds for me.

I will never regret that pain and hurt that I have endured,

The hell that I have been through.  

NEVER.

For it is what has paved the way for me to become the person I am today -

much better, much stronger, much wiser.

That suffering and despair - it brought me to a place of  healing, of restoration,

of strength, of wisdom, of joy, and of peace -

and I am grateful for it,for it was through that suffering that I realized - 

HE HAD NOT FORGOTTEN ME...