So you think I'm a weak person. What is it that you even know about me that would make you form that opinion? Surely by now you're figuring out that you can't believe everything, or even anything that comes out of that person's mouth. We all have those people in our lives who will say whatever it takes to make themselves look good and the other person look bad. Fortunately I don't have to deal with that directly anymore, but I'm still dealing with it indirectly.

Yes, I may have been a weak person at one time, but not for a bad reason. I was weak, because I chose to have faith in God to intervene on behalf of my family. But God won't make anyone be obedient to Him. I was weak because I believed in love and I believed in marriage enough to stick with it, and pray, and wait for him to decide that someone besides himself mattered. I was weak because I desperately wanted to protect my child from the truth of his infidelities, and from the pain of having her parents split up. I was weak because it took me so long to finally give up. I gave up because of that last phone call I received.

If all of those things made me weak, then I wore that label proudly. But I am no longer weak. That weakness made me strong. And wise. I am strong. I am nothing like the shell of a person I was before.

So think about things before you form those negative opinions of me. And PLEASE do not speak those negative words over my daughter.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 NIV

GRATEFUL For The Life I Live...

I recently had to move into my 85 y/o mother's house to help take care of her.  At the time this came about, it was the last thing I wanted to do.   I had left a bad relationship, and l was living on my own, paying my own bills, without a husband, for the first time ever.  I was learning to live all over again, learning who I was all over again.  Solitude was my friend.
Reluctantly, I packed everything up and moved back home.  I've been here for 3 months now.   In my bedroom I have my favorite recliner, my big-screen TV, and my big comfy bed.  It's a place where I can still have my solitude, but be close by if Mom needs me.   I have enjoyed having someone nearby, in the same house with me.  I never realized how lonely and depressed I felt, sitting there all alone in my apartment.
There were many devastating things that happened over the last few years, and I have battled frustration, depression, hopelessness, and despair.  I truly felt like I might never know happiness again.
As I sit in my recliner, reflecting on my life now, I realize that I am truly happy.  I am content with my circumstances.  I feel hope for my future.  I see so many things in myself that I'd almost lost sight of.   It is a wonderful feeling to wake up with joy every day - and for that, I am GRATEFUL!

He Had Not Forgotten Me

The darkest most painful time in my life - I had lost all sense of direction and control,

- lost all sense of who I was, or who i was becoming.

I realized a loss that was so very deep - a cavern of sorrow, 

and there was nothing to fill it.

I had literally lost myself in all of the brokenness,

drowning in a senseless despair that brought me to my knees,

as I grieved for the person that I once was, before my soul was so damaged - 

as I grieved for the loss of my self-respect, and my sense of well-being.

And all the while my heart cried out to God for strength:

to endure, to understand, to not be broken beyond repair - 

for I feared that I was.

There was nowhere I belonged, nowhere I fit in, nowhere I was wanted - 

no part of me that was worthy of being loved by anyone.

I can't forget all of the tears I cried, all of the questions I asked,

of a God who was no longer there.

I begged and pleaded for deliverance from the thoughts that plagued me. 

I wanted to be free of the pain.  I wanted to smile again.

And then, I began to free myself from all of it,

by taking just one step forward, in the right direction -

letting my heart guide me towards that freedom that I longed for.

I made my way down that precarious path, yet  I was afraid.

But I pushed on, drawing from a strength that was inside of me,

that I didn't know I still possessed. 

And yes,  I was still breathing, my heart was still beating -

I WAS ALIVE AND WHOLE.

I began to listen with my heart and my spirit,

and I began to rest in Him.

And then I realized  that I had never had to beg,  

I only had to listen,and take that step forward. 

I WAS THEN ABLE TO SEE WHO I WAS IN HIM.  I SAW MYSELF AS HE SAW ME.  

I once again began to see my value, my strength, my beauty, my intelligence,

my abilities, my normalcy, my WORTHINESS - and  my UN-BROKENNESS...

AND I LIKED WHAT I SAW.

That love, that worthiness, that beauty I was able to see in myself?  

It was reflected outward to others.  

It opened a window to my soul, that others were able to look through,

and see who I was on the inside, as well as the outside.  

It allowed the Light inside of me to shine forth, and others saw that Light.   

And the blessings began to flow...

I love who I am, and who I am becoming.  

Everything is falling into place the way it should be,

and I can't wait to see what the future holds for me.

I will never regret that pain and hurt that I have endured,

The hell that I have been through.  

NEVER.

For it is what has paved the way for me to become the person I am today -

much better, much stronger, much wiser.

That suffering and despair - it brought me to a place of  healing, of restoration,

of strength, of wisdom, of joy, and of peace -

and I am grateful for it,for it was through that suffering that I realized - 

HE HAD NOT FORGOTTEN ME...

It Is Well With My Soul

I got this tattoo yesterday, in loving memory of my Daddy  - Alban Leman Neel.   He passed away in 2005. He had Alzheimer's disease. He didn't know who we were anymore, and couldn't hold a conversation with us anymore. We took him to church one night, and we sang his favorite hymn, "It Is Well With My Soul."   Despite his inability to communicate with us in words, he stood to his feet, lifted his eyes upward, and he sang the words to that hymn - every word - and he had the most joyful, peaceful look on his face. I will never forget that day.  I was able to see the awesome presence of the Holy Spirit residing in him, giving him words to worship with, when he could not find his own. Daddy was such a Godly influence in my life.  I miss him alot...

 "No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal."

Oh - To Be Able To Control the Mind and the Heart

I've been thinking about some things, trying to figure out why the mind and the heart works the way it does. Both work independently and separate from anything that you might perceive as logical. You can control what you do with your life, but dang it, you cannot control what happens in your heart or your mind.

I've been on my own and out of a toxic relationship for 7 months now. I've removed the negativity and the drama completely. I know without a doubt I made the right decision. Not once do I ever wish he was back in my life. I made up my mind about what I needed to do, and I've never wavered from it.   In fact, when I heard he had a new woman in his life, all I could think was "good - he'll leave me alone for good now." I pity her, because it won't be long before she'll be living the same life I lived with him.

I've reached the point now that I'm no longer "in love" with him. I don't long for him anymore. I've transitioned through the tedious process of learning to live apart from him, out from under his control. That transfer of control from him to me was rough at first. But I lived through it, and I am so much better and stronger now than I ever was.

The hard part has been getting him out of my mind and my heart. He still crosses my mind every single day, several times. Not sad thoughts, or missing him or anything like that. Just a random thought. His name will show up in my head, and maybe an image of him. I push it away. Later in the day, there it is again. Why? Why does he have to cross my mind so much? I don't want to think about him, EVER. It's just torture, because then it reminds me of the misery he put me through. So why does this keep happening? Does he still have some kind of control over me - even from afar? What do I do to make it go away?

I want it all to go away. I long for the day and the time that I NEVER think of him. That will be when I can truly proclaim he is out of my life for good. Tell me how to make him go away for good. I need him gone. Tell me how to do this...

Spread a Little Love

I love the Philadelphia Cream Cheese commercial that sings the song “Spread a Little Love.” 

I went on YouTube and figured out that the song it is based on was originally sung by Jackie DeShannon. 

Jackie DeShannon - this one doesn't do much for me

There are other artists who have recorded the song, including John Mayer, Dolly Parton, Al Green, and Anne Murray.   I like those four the best, but I think the one by John Mayer is my favorite, simply because I love his voice.

John Mayer-because his voice is so soulful

Anne Murray - I love her deep alto and it's in my range

 

Al Green - American gospel and soul artist

 

Dolly Parton - because she's just so happy and peppy

Which one is your favorite?

I'm Getting To A Good Place

6 months ago I was homeless and alone, having fled from  a toxic, abusive relationship.  I had my own place after about 10 days.  It's small, but adequate.  I've been working very hard on healing my mind, my spirit, and my emotions.  I'm in a much better place now, though I still have much work to do.  I feel happier.  I feel stronger.  I have come so far.  Right about the time you start to see progress, old habits try to sneak back in.  For the past month or so, I have been battling my inner demons, for lack of a better way to describe it.  I've allowed my mind to go places it has no business going.  I've come very, very close to considering going back to him.  Every time I do though, I hear that small voice inside of me saying  "NO!  You have come so far.  You will not undo everything you have accomplished! You are far too valuable to settle for that!"  I believe it is the voice of the Holy Spirit, and I listen!  Every single time I have considered it, He always, always gives me a reality check.  Thank you Lord, for Your Holy Spirit who speaks to me in the still of the night.  For being my Voice of Reason.  For helping me to be strong enough to resist.  I will keep moving forward, putting one foot in front of the other.  I will never go backward, because I don't ever want to be in that place again. This is my journey, and I will correctly choose who I take with me.

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. ”

Read this profound statement today:

 When I turn a negative experience into a tool that brings meaning into my life and others, I am taking the best kind of revenge on my abuser...

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Negative things done to you in your past hurt. They'll hurt forever if you let them. There comes a point in time when you have to realize that you can't live backwards. Dwelling on the past is dying. Cherishing today and looking forward to tomorrow is living. Don't let your past prevent you from living. 
 JERALDHOWARD.com

This Was My Life

If this is your life too, then get out now while you can. It will not get better. In time you will completely lose sight of yourself. Don't allow anyone to have that much control over you. You are strong. You are brave. You are beautiful...

I Can Do This...

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience
in which you really stop to look fear in the face.
You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror.
I can take the next thing that comes along.’
You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

—Eleanor Roosevelt in You Learn by Living

You Know the Kind...

”He will choose you, disarm you with his words, and control you with his presence.

He will delight you with his wit and his plans. he will show you a good time, but you will always get the bill.

He will smile and deceive you, and he will scare you with his eyes.

And when he is through with you, (and he will be through with you), he will desert you and take with him your innocence and your pride.

You will be left much sadder but not a lot wiser, and for a long time you will wonder what happened and what you did wrong.

And if another of his kind comes knocking at your door, will you open it? “

unknown author

To Be Completely Free

So you have left the emotionally abusive relationship, you're moving forward with your life, yet your emotions are still very raw and unpredictable. Sure, you're gonna miss him, miss the good things that you had together. But you're standing firm, unwilling to walk that road again.

So what do you do when he keeps contacting you, trying to get you to talk to him, to see him? Wanting to make you believe that things can be different between you. He wants to suck you right back into the relationship with empty promises and subtle manipulations.

I've been there, I've done that. I left and returned 5 or 6 times, always believing that somehow, someway, things would improve. That he would suddenly realize the gift he had in me, and start treating me right.

But I've come to realize and recognize those manipulations as veiled attempts to regain control over me. You see, that control was lost when I left. He was no longer able to feed off of me. My choice to leave severed that control. And even though I've severed the ties, kept my distance, and made it clear I have moved on - he is just not willing to let me go that easily.

Those attempts to regain control go something like this:

he ignores the fact that I've left, and attempts to carry on as if the relationship hasn't changed

he asks when I'm going to come back "home"

he tells me that things can be different between us, making promises about things he will do that will make things different. Suddenly he realizes what he's been doing wrong, and is willing to make important changes.

he tries to lure me back in by making me worry about his health, and trying to convince me that he needs me to take care of him, because he is alone and has no one

he tells me I'm the only one that he wants in his life, ever

he calls me to mention items I forget at his home, hoping I will come to get them

he tries to tempt me with gifts, tickets to events, invitations to go out and have fun, promises of things he can do for me financially

I recognize these tactics for exactly what they are: attempts to regain control over me - NOT valid expressions of love and caring. Veiled attempts to play on my sympathy and suck me back in. He knows my heart very well - he knows my weaknesses. He knows what works with me - what has worked in the past. He will keep trying and trying, using one tactic, and then another, hoping he will hit on just the right thing to make me crumble.

I've learned from past experience that every time I answer a text or phone call, that it encourages him - it gives him a foothold - and that is the beginning of the end for me - because when I let him in like that, I have lost the battle. But things are different now. I have my own apartment. I'm refusing to see him or talk to him. I KNOW where I am weak, and I am standing firm. I KNOW that if I continue to ignore his efforts, he WILL finally understand that I am not coming back, and that he DOES NOT hold the reins anymore.

If you are trying to leave a bad relationship, or if you have left, only to keep returning over and over - take my advice. Leave, and cut off ALL contact. Don't answer his texts. Don't answer his phone calls. Don't allow yourself to be sucked back in to that den of evil that you've been in. Take control of your life, and move forward. There's so much for you out there, just waiting for you. Learn how to be happy with yourself, your life, without a man in it. When you do, you will be giving yourself the gift of life, peace, and contentment that you so deserve...

You Have To Break Free...

You’ve tried so hard, for so long. You’ve left, and then returned to try again – several times. You’ve given it your all, over and over again. It seems no matter what you do, it is never enough. You still always seem to fall short of his expectations. He doesn’t like what you say. He doesn’t like what you do. He doesn’t like what you think. He doesn’t like what you feel. You’ve begun to start every day with a feeling of dread, apprehension and fear. Your life is dominated by an overwhelming feeling of sadness and despair. It feels like a bad dream. So what is left for you? You feel like your only choice is to leave, yet again, but this time you have to figure out a way to break free of the hold he has on you, and never return again.

Sound familiar? If so, then you are probably in an emotionally abusive relationship. You may hear him say every day how much he loves you, yet he doesn’t treat you right. All of the signs are there and you KNOW that there is NOTHING you can ever do that will make this relationship work. You are a victim of verbal abuse, which in turn, is having a devastating effect on you, your self-image, and on your ability to cope and function as a normal person in this world.

Emotional abuse is defined as a set or combination of traits or behaviors that are intended to control and dominate another person through fear, guilt, intimidation, humiliation, and manipulation. It is a pattern of behavior that occurs repeatedly over time, gradually getting worse and worse as the abuser establishes his control over you, proceeding in a gradual, subtle way, but with harmful effects. It gradually breaks down your spirit, destroys your self-worth, steals your confidence, and hampers your ability to trust, to love, or to have any faith in yourself or anyone else.

Emotional abuse also causes harm to your physical health. You sleep poorly, don’t have an appetite, and invariably have stress-related conditions like depression, anxiety attacks, chronic fatigue, ulcers, and migraines.


Many of the following behaviors are common for abusers. Any of these behaviors alone or together are abusive:
• Extreme jealousy of other men and women, friends, family, co-workers, and children
• Suspicious – of everything you do when you’re away from him – monitors phone calls, text messages, e-mails – while at the same time keeping his unavailable to you
• Isolating you from family, friends, and anyone who could provide emotional support
• Emotional withholding – refusal to share his feelings – or being unaware or insensitive to your feelings – giving you the silent treatment
• Lack of physical intimacy such as hand-holding or cuddling
• Verbal abuse – yelling, name-calling, insults, shame, sarcasm, threats
• Humiliation – criticizing you in front of others, pointing out your flaws or embarrassing moments to others
• Selfishness – demands that all of your time be devoted to fulfilling his wants and needs – you’re never allowed any time for yourself
• Threats: verbal – “you will be sorry,” and physical – throwing things, breaking things
• Lies – keeping secrets from you, half-truths, rearranging facts to suit him
• Mixed messages – telling you how much he loves you while he continues to treat you badly
• Dependence – tries to convince you that you are nothing without him, no one else will want you – you are unworthy of his love
• Fear – a non-verbal threat that you will suffer the consequences if you do not do things the way he wants
• Raging – screaming, yelling, throwing things, cussing
• Intimidation – using his strength and his power to make you afraid of what he might do
• Sexual dominance – using guilt, shame, physical force in order to force you to have sex with him when and how he demands it, with no regard to your feelings
• Blame – it’s always your fault, he is never responsible for anything wrong in the relationship
• Hiding his bad behavior – doesn’t let the public witness how he mistreats you
• Physical violence – slapping, punching, kicking, grabbing, pinching, pushing, biting, choking, restraining
• Treats you like a possession rather than a partner
• Keeps you from sleep – or wakes you in the middle of the night to point out your shortcomings
• Superiority – his thoughts, his actions, his knowledge, and his love are always superior to yours


The effects of emotional abuse last your entire life. You’ve received the underlying message that life is not safe or stable. Because of a lack of security or consistency, you always feel tense, afraid, and insecure. Over time, this leads to depression and anger. Because of the emotional abuse, you begin to believe that nothing you do is right, and you feel tremendous guilt over everything you do. You forget how to even recognize what is right. You live every day tense, always anticipating the next round of criticism and blame. You never feel safe. You don’t trust anyone, because you have been conditioned to believe that when you trust someone, they invariably hurt you. You believe that you really are unworthy. Everyone is kept at arms-length, because without realizing it, you think that the only way to feel safe and secure is by living a life alone, away from other people. Your life is filled with an all-consuming sadness because your heart is breaking.

You reach a point in your life where you HAVE to do something. You HAVE to see the truth about your situation, and about yourself. You HAVE to believe that you are a beautiful, loving, good person who is worthy of receiving love, real love from another person. A love that builds you up, instead of tearing you down. A love that allows you to be the imperfect human that you are without consequences. A love that believes in you and all that you are capable of. A true love – an UNCONDITIONAL love.

The real truth about you is that you are an amazing, beautiful person. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. Your life has value. Your feelings matter. You deserve to be accepted. You deserve to be loved by a real man that will support you, protect you, and will never hurt you physically or leave you. And one day, some day, you WILL find that love that you deserve.


So please, start to believe the truth about yourself, and let that truth empower you to break free, so that you can begin to experience the life that you deserve…

A Time

for everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.

a time for quiet strength to be born, and a time for insecurity and  self doubt to die.

a time to plant courage, and a time to harvest peace.

a time to kill self-hatred, and a time to heal from fear of abandonment.

a time to tear down walls that protect me, and a time to build up hearts that love me.

a time to cry about how hard its been, and a time to laugh about how hard its been.

a time to grieve over the loss-of-my-back-as-i-once-knew-it, and a time to dance because i still can.

a time to scatter people who don't give a rip about me, and a time to gather people who do.

a time to embrace my voice, and a time to turn away from worrying about what other people think.

a time to search for balance, and a time to quit searching for the finish line.

a time to keep whats important, and a time to throw away all the rest.

a time to tear apart right doctrine, and a time to mend what i deeply believe.

a time to be quiet about what isn't, and a time to speak about what is.

a time to love slow steady transformation in myself others, and a time to hate impatience.
\
a time for war against resistance, and a time for peace in the chaos.

amen.

Finding Your Inner Strength

One day as I lay in bed, I watched as the wind blew with such velocity. The trees were being tossed around like they were rag dolls and it reminded me of our own inner strength. As a tree is blown around, it doesn't think about what might happen to it. It doesn't wonder or worry if it will survive. In the midst of chaos, it stands with its roots planted firmly in the ground, trusting and knowing that "this too shall pass."

As a survivor of domestic violence, it reminded me of the time I had made a conscious decision to leave and never look back. I, too, had felt the powers of the wind. My tree was blowing and I felt it would snap in two in a moment.

Deep within each one of us, there is a core. This core is our balance, it's our center, one could even say it's our own "trunk," our pillar of strength. However, somewhere along the line we often  lost sight of our own inner strength and we find ourselves feeling weak, dis-empowered and possibly hopeless.

One of the ways in which an abuser controls us is by making us believe that we are powerless, that we have lost our inner strength and that we cannot live without them. Usually it starts with verbal abuse or mental abuse as we become continually bombarded with statements that we are lazy, worthless, selfish, among others. Over time, we begin to believe it and then we own it. From there, day by day, our inner strength fades, we become hopeless, our branches may break and we lose ourselves in the storm.

Your inner strength lives deep within you. It is always there, even if you feel you've lost it somewhere. Finding your inner strength is finding yourself. You reach deep down within you and plant your roots solidly, deep within the earth. Feel yourself connecting, feel yourself gaining your footing. This is where it begins, as you gain more confidence you awaken your inner strength. The more awakened you become the stronger your roots become.


Tami MacDowell
"Be your own awakener to the beauty and power that are alive in you right now."
John-Roger

Surrendering To Change

Change can be good -   we get new jobs, new marriages, new looks, new homes. Our children grow up, they have children of their own.  Our children grow into people that maybe we don't like so much, yet we still love them.  Sometimes the outcome is good, but sometimes it is bad.  Sometimes we have to pretend that we are embracing this change, yet inside we already see the inevitable outcome, the sadness or loss that we know will come.  We want that change, yet we are afraid of it.  We need that change the same way we need to know that we are safe in this world.  We may hate our circumstances, but are often afraid to change them. 

It doesn't really matter whether or not we like change, whether we embrace it or run in fear.  Change is going to happen all the time, whether we choose to participate or not.   We're going to have seemingly unimportant change, and vast, overwhelming change.  Even when we have a choice to change, and we choose not to, change is going to happen anyway.  What choice do we really have?  We can either walk right towards that change, or we can do nothing, and let change happen on it's own, while we just sit there in our "safe" little miserable world.  It's going to happen either way.

We can struggle and fight against change, or we can surrender to it, scary as it may seem.  Surrender may feel to some people like giving up control.  Surrender is defined as:  to give (oneself) over to something (as an influence).  It means to wisely accomodate ourselves to what is beyond our control.  Things are going to happen to us that are beyond our control:  divorce, aging, sickness, dying - it's what life is about.

We have to learn to live in the moment, and understand that life is nothing but transition.  It's ok to be afraid of it.  It's ok to gripe about it a little.  As long as that paves the way for acceptance and acknowledgement  that change is sometimes good, sometimes not, but it is always happening.

Musings...

This poem was written for me a couple of years ago
by someone who, at one time, was very special to me...

Beyond the Blue...

Time has not faded

the azure of your eyes.

They are wiser...sadder,

but still they hold me.

Without a word, they speak

to the deepest reaches of my soul.

To me, they are as beautiful

as I remember.

I long for the day

that I can see you again.

Your sweet smile, your warm embrace,

your soulful sapphire eyes.

Until then I'll embrace this yearning,

happy just to hear your voice.

Knowing that, one day, I can

look into those eyes again and see -

Beyond the Blue…

BK August 2009

Had a scare driving home from work a couple nights ago around midnight. Some idiot thought he was being cute I guess, and was driving side-by-side next to me, refusing to let me pull ahead or drop back, and he was staring and gunning his engine. It felt like he was going to try to force me off the road or something. I managed to turn off the road towards a convenience store, but it left me shaken. But no worries - because now I'm PACKING! Got me a .38 tucked under my seat for the next fool who tries to mess with me!