My Ides of March

This is my entry for the group Blogophilia, Week 1.
The topic is the Ides of March.  I didn’t try for any bonus points. 
Your comments are much appreciated.

The topic for Week 2 is already posted.  If you would like
to participate, click on this link to get more info:



My Ides of March

I started reading other people’s blogs, and couldn’t quite
figure out what any of them had to do with the Ides of
March.  My knowledge of the Ides of March was that it was
the day the Julius Caesar was assassinated after being
deceived by his friends.  It was referred to as a time of
great  doom.  This occured during the month of March near
the middle of the month.  March is known as a month of
tumultous, unpredictable weather.  There may be storms,
strong winds, blizzards, or it may be beautiful and sunny,
with all the trees and flowers budding.    Thus, the
comparison of March to the Ides of March.

I have been going through my own Ides of March for quite
some time now.  I’ve endured alot of hardships throughout
my adult life.  It has seemed to me to be a time of great
doom that just keeps on going.

I’ve been criticized as a mother, for the way I’ve raised my
children.  I’ve been judged by others about things they
really have no knowledge of.  2 of my children have been
diagnosed with ADHD.  The oldest has always blamed me for
the problems he’s had that are related to the ADHD.  He has
grown up to be addicted to drugs and alcohol, and that has
been blamed on me too.   He is a thief, and has been in and
out of jail and in trouble with the law since he was 16. I’ve
questioned what I could have done diffently that may have
caused him to go in a different direction.   I always set a
good example, never drank or did any kind of drugs.  I know
that even seemingly perfect families have children that go
the wrong route.  Some straighten out later in life, some
don’t.  I also know that we as parents can’t always be
blamed for the bad choices that our children make, when
we’ve raised them to know right from wrong.  However,
 that doesn’t take away the incredible hurt and pain that
I feel when I see my grown child struggling to function
 in the world, trying to find his way.

I’ve been through one divorce because of verbal abuse, and
was on the verge of a second one because of repeated
infidelity.  I left my first marriage believing all of the lies
that I had been told about myself.  I thought I was a
worthless person, unworthy of anyone’s love.  I then
hardened myself to caring about any man ever again. 
But as things go, I did fall in love again and remarry. 
Of course, 1 year into the marriage I discover he’s
having an affair. 
After many tears, and several affairs later, I left, only to
reconcile after 18 months apart. The pain that I have felt
over this has been unreal.  You would not believe what a
spouse’s unfaithfulness can do to you , and to your self
image.  I’m trying to learn to love myself, and to believe
that I am not to blame for his bad choices.

My Daddy was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease around
20 years ago.  He passed away a little over 2 years ago.  He
suffered for a very long time.  We had to stand by
helplessly and watch this disease slowly steal his mind. It
was horrible to see him, once a highly intelligent man,
 become a child again.  When we got the call to come
to the nursing home, I dressed and immediately left.
 I didn’t make it in time.  As I placed my hand on the front
 door to enter the building, he was taking his last breath.
  That is one of my greatest regrets, that I didn’t get to tell
 him goodbye.

There have been many other things that have happened to
 contribute to my "Ides", but that’s probably best left for
 another time. I am now entering a new season in my life,
 where the doom has seemingly lifted.  I don’t know if all of
 the circumstances have improved.  I really don’t think they
 have. I have just learned to see them differently, and to
 react to them differently.  I have tried to use each negative
 thing that has happened as a stepping stone to becoming a
 stronger, wiser, and better person.  I know I will experience
 many more Ides of March during my lifetime.
 However,with my faith in God, I will come through each
 one victorious.

May you and your family also grow from your hard times.