You Don't Know Me At All

Blogophilia Week 5:
Topic:  You Don’t Know Me At All.
Bonus points (hard, 2 points):  incorporate the Pareto Principle.
Bonus points (easy, 1 point): Mention crochet.



YOU DON’T KNOW ME AT ALL

Look at how she smiles, nothing ever gets her down.
She seems so strong and confident.
She’s such a sweet, loving person.
She’s loving herself and her life.
They are such a happy little family.
Her life must be so nice and easy.
Her future looks bright.

These are some of the things that people have said about me.  At times, they may be true, but most of the time, they’re not.  These observations that people make are based on the mask that they see when they look at me.  A dear friend told me one time that we all live behind a mask, and that keeps others from seeing the real us, and all of the pain and dysfunction that we have inside of us.

Most of the people in my life think that they know me.  In reality, 80% of those people have only known me for about 20% of my life.  That leaves  about 34.6 years of my life that they weren’t around for to share in the experiences  that made me what I am today.

"Look at how she smiles, nothing ever gets her down."  Everything gets me down.  I struggle with depression on a daily basis, and even take medication for it.  When I am down or upset about something, I never show it to others.  I put on that smile, and act like everything is fine.  I guess I’m afraid to appear vulnerable.   Smiling helps to cover up the sadness and the fear.  It works - it fools others.  Inside, I am just sad and lonely.

"She seems so strong and confident."  I have no self-confidence at all.  I used to.  I used to be very confident in myself and in my ability to do things.  Somewhere along the way, I lost that confidence.  Now I feel so inadequate to do anything.  I even feel this way in my job skills - that I have been formally trained to do.    Don’t get me wrong.  I know what I need to do, and I do it efficiently and accurately.  I just feel like I’m not.  People compliment my abilities, and I feel better briefly.  But not for long.  Inside, I just feel like an idiot.

"She’s such a sweet, loving person."  If you only knew.  I lash out at my family when I am frustrated.  I make them feel like they’ve done something wrong.  I am intolerant of their mistakes and weaknesses, knowing all along that I am just as imperfect.   I’m ashamed to admit that when I am angry, I have a potty mouth.  I’m not always like this.  Just when I am upset or angry about something.  There are many days that I am sweet and loving even at home.  Outside of the confines of my famiy, I almost always  appear to be  a sweet, loving person.  But on the inside, I am just suppressing my  anger and bitterness.

"She’s loving herself and her life."  There aren’t very many days at all that I love myself, though I am trying.  I’ve let life’s circumstances affect me in a negative way, starting way back in my childhood, and all the way up to now.  I’ve let other’s words and actions affect how I feel about myself.  Most days I loathe myself.  I hate how I look.  I hate how I act.  I hate my body.  I hate my weaknesses.  I feel that I am worthless, and unworthy of love.  When I am around others I feel that my physical faults are magnified.  I think that everyone sees me as a frumpy, overweight nobody.  Not much to like about a life spent feeling like that.  I may appear to love myself, but on the inside, I hate myself.

"They are such a happy little family."  "Her life must be so nice and easy."  Again, if you only knew.  We may appear to be happy and normal, but there are so many problems hiding under the surface.  Years of financial struggles, lies, infidelity...the list could go on, but I’ll stop right there.  It’s been hard.  I probably have grown stronger because of it all, even if I don’t feel strong.  I know I’ve grown wiser.  That’s a plus.  Our baby girl is a plus, too.  10 years of joy she’s given us.  A wonderful, happy product of this marriage.  And I have to admit, as we are slowly working through these problems, our love is growing again also.  So even if we appear to be perfect and happy, on the inside, we’re not.

"Her future looks bright."  I know.  You think I’m going to tell you all about why my future doesn’t look bright.  But I’m not going to do that.  Even though I get down and depressed - I’m getting better.  Even though I have no self-confidence - I’m still working on it.  Even though I can be angry and hateful at times - I am becoming more like God every day.  Even though I don’t love myself - I will eventually learn to.  Even though my little family has it’s share of problems - we’re still together and still in love.    

I have hopes and dreams for my future.  I desire to walk in love, and to have peace in my life.  I know I am imperfect, but I do proclaim that I am forgiven by a God who loves me.  He will help me to love myself.  He will heal what needs to be healed.  He is the reason for every good thing that I have in my life.  He is truly my strength and peace when everything and everyone around me seems to fail me.  He is always there.   

All of these things have become the threads that contribute to who I am, intertwining, like crocheted needlework.  They are what make me - ME.

IMPERFECT - BUT FORGIVEN...